无奈的牢骚

当一个人，拥有社会所不认同的力量，那他就是怪物；
当一个人，能做到别人所不能的事情，那他就是怪物；
当一个人，有自己的独特的一套思想，那他就是怪物；
当一个人，无法认同社会大众的想法，那他就是怪物；
当一个人，特立独行、不跟潮流，或者实际上特别优秀是，他就被归类为怪物。

然而，当时间慢慢的流逝，当时间终于证明、认同了他，那他就是个天才；他就是个伟人；他，就会变成人人羡慕的对象。而这些“赞叹”他的人，却是曾经唾弃他的人。

那个世纪没有伟人，那个年代没有天才？
但是在他们被褒扬之前，怪物的称号却是如同他们与生俱来的标签。

爱迪生，Thoman Edison
爱因斯坦， Albert Einstein
牛顿，Sir Newton
莱特兄弟，Wrights Brothers
成吉思汗，Gengkhis Khan
清太祖努尔哈赤
凯撒，Julius Caeser
斯巴达国王，King Leonides

等等，都是前怪物、后伟人的其中例子。

想说的是，人类五千年历史，已经有了这么多的实例，
还是有人继续着上一代所常犯的错，而知音人却永远都是属于稀有动物。

水平不同，造成的理解不同。

完美的技巧，对不懂欣赏的人来说，是疯狂的；对外行的人来说，是危险的。
下面的人，永远不了解上面的人怎么想；
境界不到的人，永远只能看到自己的小圈子，还沾沾自喜地引以为荣。
强者，始终只有强者·才会欣赏；只有双方到达了同样的水平，才会互相认同。
只有自己的能力提升了，才会知道人家当初的感受。

超怕孤单的男人

最近最长感到的感觉就是，孤单。或许是开学了，开始忙忙碌碌的生活而导致的吧。忙碌人生中，偶尔会停下来，想想自己。但是，孤单不单只是在我忙碌的时候出现，在我悠闲的时候（放假）也会出现，还更加严重。

小时候的环境，可能就是促成我沉迷寡言的性格的首要黑手。家教的严厉管制，不同的教育程度，以及我出生的时机，让我没有可以倾心以对的好友、老友、知己。老妈太严了，不让我出去掺、老妈是老师，是我比较遭受、堂，表兄弟姐妹个个不是比我大就是比我小……

没有朋友，后来就不会叫朋友。早期的我，小学-中学form 4,都是不会主动的，直到17岁开始，才突然感到自己朋友less......即将离开中学的我，突然间感到很惶恐，因为朋友less让感到自己在这个世界无足轻重，没有很多的联系。

我意识到，我很需要朋友，我很渴望朋友，我很喜欢被人家看重的感觉。因此，我不断寻找自己可以算得上厉害的事物，以此来让我自己可以“更有用”；我不介意被人家利用，也不介意做一些麻烦事，只要我在你们心中有一个地位，只要你们对我发生任何事情都会有反应，只要我自己不会感到自己一无是处、这个世界和我没关系。

因此，我常常答应朋友们的要求，诸如载送、电脑等等。有时候，其实我在吧生，但是朋友打来和我求救，说他在Subang一带，因一些原因不能以平常的方法回家，问我顺路在他吗？我其实已经回到吧生了，但是我会说：“可以啊，我人在KL,回着吧生，顺路来载你吧。”写到这，朋友们你们因该懂为什么我会特地跑那么远了吧！因为，我其实才是需要你们的那个……油钱算什么，修理算什么，我需要的是友情，是联系，是认同，是看重。

还有，我常常和一些女生Chatting，在Facebook上轰炸她们；朋友问我是不是变态，或者喜欢人家？我都是回答一些普通的答案，诸如：她靓女咯、小妹妹，现在先铺路先，以后才好追等等。其实，那可以说是我从小都没什么机会，和勇气接触过异性。用老一辈的话就是阴阳不协调，所以我很喜欢和女生打交道。只是纯粹的打闹、玩耍，我心里其实没什么绮念。应该说，绮念难免会有，但是更多时候还是想接近女生。现实的我，先天长得比较壮硕魁梧，比较强壮和man的那一型，长得又不帅……容貌上的类型令我很难得到女生的欢迎、欢心；性格上也是格格不入，满脑子闯荡世界、最求最强是很难和女生打成一片的；唯有比较早熟的思想，可以为比我年幼的女孩指点迷津。

也因为这样，“莫名其妙”的就多了很多干妹妹，不过我亲口称呼+承认的也只有一个……想做我妹也是有很多要求的！！哈哈……

不论是朋友，还是干妹妹，我都希望能在你们心中有更重要的地位……真正的我很不喜欢孤单，但是现实的我却表现得无所谓；真正的我也会哭，但是现实的我却从未哭过、哭的身体机能也退化了；真正的我妒忌心很重，现实的我却很大方：但是，不论是真正的我，还是现实的我，都很想要更多的关怀，尽管我的acting就是以大事为重。

人生的梦魇

我人生的梦魇，不用说都知道是我老妈。

她让我深深的体会到，如果自己没本事，千万不要生个孩子来教坏；如果不幸的，意外有了孩子，那么就请你不要压抑他的发展，尤其是教他属于完全和他天性相反的道理。这就像不让小鸟飞、要企鹅去沙漠住一样！

他妈的，做他儿子都衰啊！

Places in ppl's heart, inspired by Tsu Qi's return

Last saturday, 23/01/2010 A.D, is the date our lovely Tsu Qi return to M'sia. After a year in New Zealand, I think is the student changing program, she return, with a boosted up body and ever more tanned skin. It is a very happy day, as she is our most lovely classmate. Everyone in pur class know her, loves her, likes her. She is such smily, sunny and sporty. But she isn't shiny, cox she is tanned.

We wait her at the arriving hall in KLIA. Just like waiting a VIP for a huge company. This prove her importance in our heart. At that time, I was excited as others too... but inside this feeling, there is a part of envy and afraidness in there.

First, the envy is because I know that I would never be such welcomed and important in many ppl's heart. Maybe is the fate problem, maybe not. I always be the lonely character, or the dull one within my social range. Feels like I am not important for anyone, I can be there or not, that doesn't matter... In an easy word, nobody cares me...neither live nor dead...

Thus comes the afraidness. I afraid of lonelyness. In fact, I hate to lonely. I try everything I can to makes me more connected to the world, means having more important place in my friends heart. but I think failures is the result comes out, the person that really cares me not more than 5. Even my parents is not inside this 5. So, I try to attract ppl's attention to me, since I am not important, then I wanna be the brightest. I do many things that is consider insane in my age, driving 300km/h, fighting bad guys, doing gym, taking double degrees. I do things that is normal ppl wont do, but it seems like the impact still not enough.

In conclusion, I started to give up the thinking of being more connected or brightest, I tired to care bout other ppl's, but i Stiil wanna be the best, even nobody admits me. So, guys. I hope next year y'all will facebook with me when I am in Monash University Clayton, and betting I am the champion in F1 for Lotus. This is the goal of 2010 of ZeKai.

Thinking human, human and dead human...

Recently life is giving me less inspiration on wordings. It feels like very official, formal. Keep doing same things every day. Only feeling that can feel is tired, tired and tired. It is strange, in fact I didn't do any extreme training recently, due to the carless condition and $$ less. It is just like a part of my life, I suppose to live like that.

Thus, I started to afraid, what if this kind of lifestyle continues in the rest of my time? I should be damn, because I am not good to manage tiring. When I am tired, I will sleep more to get them away, instead of determine to wake up as my friends do. When i am tired, I can't do anything. I mean when I tired, I can't do things well, but I will be fed-up to continue it when it is not well enough. I guess I am also a perfect demander.

Now again, I started to feel tired to blogging. Because I cant find any inspiration that is interesting to me. This blog is just like a forcing mechanism that force me to think something else, to prove that I am still a thinking human. Not a brainless human nor dead human.

Imagining I am the lucky guy that suddenly get 200 Million USD

Recently i am too free, because of the long long holiday last year 2009 November. It is longer holiday than last time in school. (that time free, now damn busy) So, I always find something to full up my mind, because it is very suffer for a guy like me to have an empty brain. And at that time i dun wanna work, so imagination and watching movie and webbing become the most effective ways to waste the time. (study also wasting time, dunnoe what thing can be count as using time)

Instead of planning, imaginating is more comfortable, Because you can imagine anything that is good, in more specific is things that satisfy you. The whole year 2009 i spent my extra free time on planning my own future, about what i wanna do, how i gonna do, why i wanna do....... Now, planning is quite boring, because it ends very fast, you have facts and you think it rasionaly then it is as fast as lightning. Thus, i started to imagine, just as the old days when i was a kid in primary school.

First, i think of how many $$$ i would like to get if i really so lucky. Talk about the getting ways first. First i imagine that if, US government need some special ability in some dirty deals, and i am the only one or the best one that have these abilities. Second, I win a prize. Third, I do some dirty business for one shot big $$$ and just once. Fourth, which is the one i like the most, my old, rich relative( imaginated) at china or US or Europe or somewhere,which has no descendents inherited me.

Now, about the amount. First i think of 5% of the tax a country (eg: US), then i think it is too much and they may kill me because I "eat" such much money from them. Then, i started to count the interest of fix account in bank, it was minimum 2.5% last year when the economic crisis. Ok!!! 2.5% minimum.

Then, i think, 200 million USD's, the 2.5% of it is 5 million USD, change into RM is RM 16742000, a year. That, is, a, huge number. With this, i could buy a Lamborghini Murcielago LP670-4 SV which cost like RM 3000000. Then i still have RM 13742000, I can buy a BMW M6 with one million RM, i still have Rm 12742000. Then a banglo, 2 million with renovation, still have RM 1074200.

An Alienware laptop, 15K.
An I-phone or PDA, 3K
Remain RM 12572000.
Then pay my study fees all untill degrees, RM 72K.

At last, remain RM 12500000, a beautifull number for my own uses.
I can give 2.5 million to my dad, then i still have RM 1000000. For god's sake it is a huge number of money, which is = 10 x 1 million!!!

And, i get this amount of money every year, at least!!!! Whoa.... sweet dream baby!!!

Sadly, it was only a dream. I dun have these rich old relatives, if i do, i dun think they will inherited me the $$$, and I wont have this luck, cox i never had any luck that bring things i like.

Sweet dream, cruel reality!!!

The open study SAGA!!!

After experience the sucks battle at last year, i found that my army is not strong enough. Actually, it is not the strength problem, is my army not hard working enough. I did a complete self examination, the result is I am too godlike in doing my favourite subjects. And that is the real reason for me to get a sucks mark. While the highest mark i get for is my Computer Science, a subject i never touch before, neither school nor my life. How bout the two subject i love the most? Math and Physic which i being hailed as god i just pass it, how ironic.

So now, 2010, if there is doomsday at 2012, then i should try my best to get the highest mark and cutest girl friend for me. Oh ya, and my body!!!

身在福中不知福

最近常听到的一句话。

“妈的，你身在福中不知福，老爸这么有钱，还不要去帮他！”
“屌，你他妈的身在福中不知福，老爸又公司不会去帮，酱辛苦读书干嘛？”
“哇！原来你是Uncle Tan的儿子，跟我一样18岁了咧，做么还在读书？”
“有够笨，老板的儿子还要读什么书，直接去公司就可以做很高了啦！”

重重此类的话，我的反应都是：

好友，“AIYA，去了还不是没人教，什么都不懂。”
刚认识的，“呵呵，还想读多几年啦。”
兄弟，“DIAM啦，管你X事！”
长辈，“是啊，但是我志不在此，想要闯一闯才回来帮手啦。”

这些都回应，都只是很纯粹的敷衍。实际上，我的内心话是，“妈啦，老爸有钱又不是我的错，我是我，他是他，我有自己的梦想的！！！”

我很想说，你们都认为我很幸福，但是那时因为我拥有的，是你们所没有的，而你们又很想得到！所以就说我很幸福！

其实，这些统统都不是我要的！！我要的东西也很简单，熟悉我的人，我是说跟我很close的人都知道我要什么。（Close的人不包括我的父母，而是知心朋友）。一个得不到自己想要的东西的人，怎么能说他很幸福呢？

奇怪的联想（可爱，罪，恶魔）

           可爱的女孩，让我想到了为何古人会把世间的一切诱惑、罪恶和恶魔联想在一起。就像有一个长得很纯真、可爱的女朋友一样。明明就是很想跟她做爱，可是当看见她委屈着脸孔叫不要时，那股欲望却更强，促使你更想得到她。但是，她的表情也让你充满了罪恶感，好像做了十恶不赦的坏事一般。因此，你拼命克制着这股欲望。然而，日子久了，克制力渐渐不敌诱惑，最终还是忍不住了。罪，常常就是那么地诱惑，而你也明知那是不对的，很想去干的想法也让你充满了罪恶感。因此，你一直在克制自己。但是，最后理智还是崩溃了，你越是克制自己不去做，最后是你去做的推动力反而更强。所以，形容罪的最佳形容词，就是“恶魔”。

                每个人，或多或少都会被这个“恶魔”影响，。不管你是谁，凡人，出家人，男人，女人，大人，小孩，君子，小人，英雄，败类……，身边都会不断地出现这个“恶魔”，只是以不同的形象、不同的方式、不同的情况，和，不同的立场。有时候，你认为他没有影响，其实只是你自己不知道而已。说来可能很难相信，有时候，犯罪的出发点，就是行善的念头。你一心要做好事，你的决定和成果都是你所想象的那样，但是结果却出乎意料地缪以千里，而初始因素，确非厘毫之差，简直就是毫无分别。

                结论，要逃过、避免或摆脱“恶魔”，是不可能的。我们或者被罪的诱惑所吸引，或者强行抗拒犯罪的欲望，或者，以平常心待之。我选择第三，因为我是个正常的人，因此我没有很想犯罪的癖好，会有犯罪欲望是因为罪的诱惑所致。而我也不想强行抗拒，因为很累，而且如果“抗战”失败，那么犯罪的欲望会是原本的好多倍。唯有平常之心，不存任何特定的(specific)、针对性(in the light of)的和极端的(extreme)善恶观念，就不会有罪恶感，才会活得快乐。